The Fretful Mother's Blog

I figure those who hang wreaths on their doors probably already have them up by now (just 10 more days ’til Christmas). There’s still plenty of time to take them down, however. And after I tell you about the dangers of wreaths, you’ll probably want to. They are really just an invitation to unwanted guests.
It all started innocently enough nearly two years ago. I was watching American Idol with my daughter, not even thinking about the danger lurking on the front door. My 5-year-old son was already in bed when we remembered there would be a lunar eclipse that night. He wanted nothing to do with it, so my daughter and I decided we would partake on our own. Dressed in our pajamas, we exited the house. I thought I noticed the wreath make an unexpected movement upon opening the door, but figured I must have exerted too much enthusiasm in my swinging motion.
After 15 minutes or so of oohing and aahing, we proceeded back into the abode. There we were met with the sight of the two cats screeching wildly around the family room. They were pursuing a black object. It had wings. I instantly thought bat. I directed my daughter to run for cover in the study. I left the front door open in the hopes it would just fly out. That didn’t happen. I thought about calling animal control, but reasoned they weren’t open at 10 p.m. I decided I was going to have to do something else. After all, it was up to me to save the kids. I dropped to my hands and knees and began crawling toward the family room. I figured I would let it have its airspace.
As I got closer, I realized it wasn’t a rabid bat at all. It was a bird. And it was throwing itself against the light fixture in an attempt to escape. My solution was to turn off the light, thinking it would then fly toward the door. I didn’t realize the kitchen light was on. As it fluttered over my sink, I began to panic. The light switch was also above the sink. I was going to have to raise up from my position on the floor. I managed to slink up the cabinets and hit the switch. Surely the bird would leave now? No, the bird thought upstairs would be its next stop.
At first I was a little relieved to be away from the bird for a moment. But then it occurred to me that my sleeping child was also upstairs. I pictured a scene similar to the phone booth one with Tippi Hedren in “The Birds.” I tore up the stairs as fast as I could in crawl mode. I burst into his room only to find him sound asleep and bird-attack-free. I quickly closed his door to block out any future attacks and began my search for the bird. As I inspected some of the other rooms, it dawned on me that a strange sound was coming from my own bedroom. I pushed the door further open to see what it was. The bird was in the ceiling fan. It was spinning around, and the sh** was literally hitting the fan as the bird lost control of its bowels. I am absolutely serious.
Because I was dealing with each situation as it presented itself, I merely turned off the fan and the light and watched the bird fly into my bathroom. It decided to perch on the light fixture in there. It was at this point that I realized I was outmanned. I needed backup. I went next door and woke up my neighbors (they are now used to this). He directed me to grab a broom and meet him by the door. I didn’t want to think about what we were going to do with the broom, but I followed his orders. After a series of fumbles, we ended up with the bird in my laundry basket. There was a trail of doo doo all the way to the door, where we released the bird and had to slam the door in its face as it tried to return. It was at this point that my neighbor turned to me and said, “Yeah, I guess I should have told you about that bird. It was living in our wreath, so I had to take it down.” I was like “No problem. It all worked out.”
And this is why you should not hang wreaths on your door. You can never be too safe.

This entry was posted on December 15, 2009 at 11:25 am and is filed under Fear of the Day. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.