The Fretful Mother's Blog

Most people have had the experience where they purchase an item at the store, get all excited when it’s time to wear it, and then find out the security device is still attached in a noticeable spot. Then they have to trompe back to the store at a later date to have it removed, and all the fun is now gone. Walgreen’s was nice enough to save me all the trouble. They let me know there was a problem right away.

A long, long time ago not so long ago, I had a womanly issue that required the purchase of something that rhymes with “on a cat.” This is not a fun shopping excursion, and I wanted it over with as soon as possible. I had it all planned out. Walk briskly to the back of the store where all the medicines are, snatch up a three-day solution (who buys the seven-days anyway?), hurry to the pharmacy registers so I don’t have to wait in line at the front where I’m pretty sure everyone is eager to ferret out what’s in my hands as I try to hold the box in a way that’s not legible.

Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans. It turns out I don’t know even where these products are located. They are not with the medicines. They are with the non-reproductive items. And boy did I get an eye-full. I didn’t even know there were advances to be made in this area. Vibrating condoms, really? I wanted to see what other contraceptive contraptions were out there, but I had to stick to the plan. I grabbed the Walistat and made a beeline to the pharmacy. No one else was there, and things were looking good. The tech asked if that was all, and I thought “isn’t this enough?” Then she asked if I needed a bag. “No,” I told her, “I’ll just put it in my purse.”

My heart rate started going down at that point. I was in the clear. I walked by all the suckas standing in line up front and sallied out the door. ALARM! ALARM! My first thought was “run”! I could see the car. But in that split second the following scenario ran through my head: I jump in the car and take off, not even putting on my seatbelt. The woman now yelling “ma’am, ma’am” and jumping over the counter takes down my license plate. In my terror to flee, I pull out in front of a dump truck. It slams into me, and I am ejected halfway over the hood of the car. The police arrive and are about to put me in an ambulance when the Walgreen’s lady screams “That’s her! That’s the thief!” And then they handcuff me instead and put me in jail where I die. So I decided to stop my escape and face my accuser.

“Ma’am, you’ve set off the alarm. Do you have something?” At that point, with every ounce of my being, I wanted to just pretend I had stolen a pack of gum. Instead, I pulled out the ointment with my receipt, turned to everyone and said, “Yes, I have a vagina. Are you happy now?” I didn’t really say that last part, but that’s what it felt like. In reality, the lady just said ok and let me go.

So, what did I learn from this little episode? Whenever buying an embarrassing item, always steal a smaller item that can be used as a decoy. I didn’t plan ahead enough, and the worst happened. Or I could also have a sex change. You can never be too safe.

This entry was posted on August 28, 2011 at 6:23 pm and is filed under Fear of the Week. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.